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Top Five Things We Learned From Ukraine’s Parliament Brawl
1. A more expedient parliamentary recourse to excessive filibustering is to punch the speaker in the mouth. Or, better yet, make your point known with a Ukraine parliamey brawl 2. Fist-fighting in...
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Top 5 Potentially Dangerous Ingredients in Gatorade
1. “Fierce Melon“ contains cantelopes on PCP, which is a potentially dangerous ingredient in gatorade 2. “Frost Glacier” Gatorade made from ingredients including polar icecaps 3. “Lime Rain” Gatorade...
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Top 5 Christmas-Themed Baby Names for Kate Middleton and Prince William’s Child
1. Flaming Pudding 2. Stocking Stuffer 3. Wee One Kings 4. Corn Porridge Diapers 5. Mummers Play
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Top 5 Least Appropriate Times for a Surprise Gay Marriage Proposal
1. On-stage while accepting the Country Music Award for best Male Duo is the least appropriate time for a gay marriage proposal 2. Proposing to a priest from the other side of his Catholic...
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Top 5 Things You Can Do with 7,000 Stolen Wii U Consoles
1. Hook up the 7,000 stolen Wii U consoles and build your own “Seizure Room” 2. Bury the Wii U consoles with the thousands of Lynx consoles you stole two decades ago 3. Donate the Stolen Wii U...
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Top 5 Complaints of Santa Claus
1. Fetishists who take Viagra, then lie on their back in their fireplace 2. People always complain Santa Claus gives better toys to rich kids (hey, they have better cookies) 3. Rich people always get...
View ArticleTop 5 Christmas Holiday Drinking Games Every American Plays
1. The “Every time a family member makes you feel extremely awkward at the dinner table, take a drink” Christmas drinking game 2. The “Every time the kids are distracted Christmas morning, take a...
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Top 5 Ways To Stay Warm without Power in a Northeast Snowstorm
1. A good way to stay warm without power in a Northeast Snowstorm is to find a circle of people who are smoking and stand in the middle 2. Getting into a shoving-match with a cross-state sports fan...
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Top 5 Ways an Alien Earth Could Be Different
1. An alien Earth could be different because aliens could be picking up Earth TV signals, and therefore want to attack every Earthling that comes near 2. An alien Earth could be different because its...
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Top Five Types of People Who Hate New Year’s Eve
1. All of the seasonal elf employment Santa Claus just laid off are people that hate New Year’s Eve 2. Emergency room technicians working in the “stupid injury ward” are people that hate New Year’s...
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Our Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions
1. To stop streaking through our city hall meetings. Come to think of it, this was less of our New Year’s resolution, and more of a court order. 2. To start most days by jogging, and not by prying...
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Top 5 Changes Now That Al-Jazeera Owns Al Gore’s TV Network
1. Al Gore’s TV network slogan changed from “programming without the distracting filter of entertainment” to the catchier “All Al, All the Time” 2. Al Gore’s TV network will no longer struggle in...
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Top 5 Energy Drinks We’d Actually Buy
1. 5-Hour Erection Energy drink 2. Defibrillator Energy Drink 3. Fall Unconscious Immediately Anti-Energy Drink 4. Coffee That Doesn’t Taste Like Ass Energy Drink 5. Liquid Earplugs Energy Drink
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Top 5 Reasons Google’s Leader Is Visiting North Korea
1. Google‘s leader is considering revoking the free meals for employees, and wants to see firsthand how North Korea revoked meals for almost everyone 2. Google’s leader wants the company’s...
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Top 5 Things We Learned Watching Alabama Crush Notre Dame
1. Watching Alabama crush Notre Dame made us realize that nobody else finds the phrase “crimson tide” dirty 2. People will still unironically call themselves the Fighting Irish 3.People will still...
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Top 5 Things We Learned Watching the New David Bowie Music Video
1. Watching the new David Bowie music video, we learned that time can continually push the boundaries of how creepy a man can look 2. Watching the new David Bowie music video, we learned that David...
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Top 5 Reasons It’s Time To Dump Your Fake Online Girlfriend
1. Tired of MTV camera crews showing up at your house trying to document your pathetic pain 2. Fake online girlfriend to distracting from 24/7 Starcraft sessions 3. Computer virus prevents her from...
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5 patriotic gestures that blew your Fourth of July decor out of the water
Don’t worry, you have a whole YEAR to step up your July 4th game for 2015. 1) A member of a Navy squadron parachutes carrying a huge American Flag at the Coastal Carolina Air Show in Wilmington, N.C.:...
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