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1. Fetishists who take Viagra, then lie on their back in their fireplace
2. People always complain Santa Claus gives better toys to rich kids (hey, they have better cookies)
3. Rich people always get mad when Santa Claus injures himself in their chimney, then files a lawsuit
4. The ability to see people when they’re sleeping has been getting Santa Claus unwanted scruting since the 1960s
5. He tries to drop the weight, but every time he succeeds he inevitably gets arrested for breaking and entering
